I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I did not realize how much control I want over my life until my life hit a brick freaking wall of suffering.
This past Sunday 3 different people at 3 different times told me to
•accept the the benefit that comes through suffering
•find hope in the endurance that comes through suffering
•realize that God is NOTa tease and there IS an end to this.
My immediate reaction to all these truths was annoyance. I'm annoyed because I can't be the one to fix it. I'm annoyed because I have zero control in this situation. I'm annoyed because now I have to become still and lean on Jesus when the fixer in me just wants to work out my anxiety and find some control somewhere. I'm not saying any of these reactions are good. I am saying that after this realization I'm shocked at how childish my flesh is. With fists pounding and feet kicking I had to ask myself..at what cost am I wanting my own way? What lessons am I missing by keeping my head down and just getting through? What strength did I reject but trusting in my own way instead of the Lords?
Growing up we're told we have to be self sufficient, responsible, dependable, and able to take care of ourselves. (Which is all true and fantastic BUT..) Somewhere along the way that mind set leaked into my spiritual life and it became counterintuitive to trust in someoneI can't see. I don't know when I forgot He is ACTUALLY the maker and SUSTAINER of the universe. HeLITERALLY knows all my days before one of them came to be, and He actually cares about my sorrow and wants to take and heal my brokenness. With my pride bleeding and dying on the floor I was able to admit that my situation won't change without the Holy Spirit. All of the "self inflicted" aspects of my situation DEFINITELY won't change without the Holy Spirit. I admittedly rolled my eyes at the phrase letting go and letting God. Prior to this experience I dismissed it as a cultural cliche but now I'm learning what that process looks like, and it is not for the faint of heart. The miracle of the gospel, however, is that there is hope for the white knuckled control freaks like myself. Hallelujah for serving a God who calls things as if they are, and sees my lamenting as a lesson far before I can.
Your situation is not hopeless fellow life liver. Don't miss out on what he's wanting to do through this, not just on the other side of this.
•And He said, "My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest."- exodus 33:14
•And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.- romans 8:28
•“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”